I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
