Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
