I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
