I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
