I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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