The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
