So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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