Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
