wanna go halves on a baby?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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