hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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