i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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