Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
