Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
