You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
