apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
