Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
