After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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