You just made me feel so damn special
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
