we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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