Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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