you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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