First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
