When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
