Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
