he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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