What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
