there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
