I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
