I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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