I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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