my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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