youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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