Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
