Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
