Already got asked if we're dating
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
