my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
