Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
