I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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