So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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