I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
