Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
