I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Houston, we have a blender
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
