we made out on top of his cat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
