I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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