we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
