He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
