Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
