The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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