and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
