No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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